Extra > Closing Voices

Posted on November 22, 2013

Sad

Shannon Jordan's poem on fear, frustration and longing

This poem is a reflection of my feelings. I know that a lot of people go through similar stuff. You often feel like you have nobody to turn to, nobody who understands. You can feel like you’re jammed in a box by society, forced to be a round peg in a square hole. I just want to let you know that you are not alone. There are others in this world that feel the same way you do. Find someone to talk to. Believe me when I say: you are beautiful, you are loved and you are strong.

I feel the world closing in on me.
Why am I here?
Is it to fulfil a dream?
A purpose?
What is it?
I feel….
I don’t feel.
My heart is cold.
A huge rock is in the place of where it should be.
I hear voices.
Chanting.
Taunting.
Jeering at me.
They are nowhere to be seen.
That’s because they are in my head.
They are my constant companions.
They are my worst enemies.
I try my hardest to block them out, but there is no relief for me.
There never has been.
And there never will be.
All I hear is them saying,
“Stop.
You are nothing.
Don’t fool yourself into thinking you are actually important.
That’s a lie.
Everyone is lying to you.
They don’t care whether you live or die.
They never have.
You will never be good enough for anyone.
You will never succeed.
You will spend the rest of your life being a failure.
Just go and kill yourself already.
It’s not like anyone will care.”
I clench my fists,
I bang my head,
I scream internally,
But they are still there.
They will never go away.
I need relief.
I need a way to get out of here.
I need escape.
There is none.
It’s loud inside my head.
I’m shaking.
It’s taking over me.
And soon,
It will kill me.
I can’t go through one day without feeling like I’ll mess up.
I stare at everyone,
The gorgeous girl I pass on the street,
The stunning guy across the road,
My amazing best friend,
The guy who I’ve liked for months.
I gaze at them,
Wishing that I were as gorgeous as she was.
Wishing that I knew that guy.
Wishing that I could be in my best friend’s place.
Wishing that he would notice me.
But I know that it will never happen.
Unfortunately, dreams don’t come true.
Not for me, at least.
No matter what,
My dream will always stay a dream.
A fantasy.
A fake.
But sometimes,
When I’m prepared to live in a fairytale for a while,
They’re almost real.
The scenario is hovering in front of me, waiting for me to grasp it in my hand.
But then I wake up.
And the voices come back.
Actually, they never went.
They were always present, only they were numb for a moment.
They laugh at me.
They find it absolutely hilarious that I thought I could ever be more than what I am now.
They dance at the feeling of my pain.
It’s a drug to them.
And the more they laugh,
The more I cry.
They live a little longer,
I die a little more.
Now, there’s no way out.
They’ve officially got me.
And they’re not letting go for anyone.
Now, my mind is blank.
I don’t care anymore.
My emotions come to a halt.
I am
Cold
Lifeless
And
Broken.

Shannon Jordan

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