Behind the blur: finding my voice

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Waseela Mahmood explores what anxiety really feels like and why small changes can make a big difference

I used to dread my maths lessons.

Not because I didn’t want to learn but because the thought of asking for help made my chest feel tight. My seat was right at the back of the classroom, far from the teacher. Every lesson felt overwhelming, I would sit there fighting the thought that if I raised my hand, everyone would think I was stupid.

By the time I got home, I was exhausted. My day hadn’t been physically hard, but mentally I was totally drained, and one day it all built up and I ended up having a panic attack. I felt so anxious, but telling my dad everything I’d been holding in helped a lot. He contacted the school, my maths teacher spoke to me, and in the next lesson my seat was moved to the front of the class.

It sounds like such a small change, but it made a huge difference.

I know my experience isn’t unique. A lot of young people feel like this but don’t realise it’s anxiety. They just think they’re ‘bad at school’, ‘too quiet’, or that they overthink more than everyone else. Anxiety doesn’t always look obvious. Sometimes it’s just somebody sitting silently at the back of a classroom, feeling lost, because asking for help feels harder than staying stuck.

For me, anxiety felt like my brain was in overdrive, treating everything as an emergency. I would replay conversations in my head, worry about things that hadn’t  happened, and feel embarrassed for no clear reason. I felt tired before the day had properly begun because my mind had already run through every possible worst-case scenario.

Saying how I felt out loud made it feel more real, but also much lighter

The hardest part wasn’t the work. It was feeling like I had to deal with it alone.

I didn’t talk about how I felt because I didn’t have the words to explain it. I thought anxiety was just ‘being nervous’ and something I should be able to get over. I felt as though I was just being lazy, even though my head would hurt every time I thought about school. It felt easier to stay quiet than to try to explain something I didn’t fully understand myself.

But speaking to my dad and my school’s welfare teachers really changed that. Saying it out loud made it feel more real, but also much lighter. When my teacher spoke to me, took me seriously, and moved my seat, I realised that small changes can make a big difference when someone understands what you’re going through.

Talking didn’t magically fix everything, but just having my teachers aware of what I was battling helped reduce my worst-case thoughts and made lessons feel less frightening. Over time, I felt more comfortable asking for help, and I didn’t feel like I was carrying the weight of it by myself any more.

Even writing this now takes a lot of courage. I still struggle with anxiety, even though I may not always show it. But I wanted to share my experience in case someone reading this recognises themselves in it. If it helps even one person feel less alone and able to muster up the courage to reach out to someone, then putting this out there is worth it.

Anxiety feels much heavier when you keep it to yourself. Sometimes the hardest part isn’t the anxiety itself, its feeling like you must handle it alone.

If you’re reading this and relate to any of it, talking to someone you trust, a parent, friend, teacher or member of staff, can make a bigger difference than you think. You deserve support, and you deserve to be heard.

If you ever need support, you don’t have to face it alone. You can check out:

• Young Minds: Tips, advice and guidance on mental health for young people, including how to understand what you’re feeling
• Kooth: Free, confidential text support available 24/7. Text SHOUT to 85258
• The Mix: Counselling and advice for under-25s on stress, anxiety, and loneliness. Call 0808 808 4994