Short story: Lobe, echoes of the past

Image created by Touré with AI

Touré India Storm Gordon explores how the patterns of childhood shape Lilah’s life

Lilah stared aimlessly at the mirror, as the water dripped in rhythm. Her fingers glazed against the cold wet substance, as her forehead knelt against her reflection. Her mind dwindled to the chaos bouncing in echoes inside her head. The frontal lobe is everyone’s personal version of realisation, she thought. Where memories you once questioned, find their way back into your life, looking for answers. Until you get it right. Left in a trance, she began to contemplate between the distant hum of her life that resonated with each drip.

Age six, Lilah began to see the world. The air was filled with innocence, light filled in her eyes as she played. She was free until it all went dark and silent. The older kids approached little Lilah. She stood oblivious as they began to target her, hurt her and chip away at her humility. She never understood why but instead of feeling anger, her first instinct was to sympathise. It was at that moment Lilah began to question, what is life? And why do bad things happen to good people?

The echoes began to whisper. Lilah found herself clutching the sink with a tight grip as she continued to envision. Age eleven, Lilah learnt the reality of the inevitable. She was bound to the pain of womanhood. It wasn’t the pain itself, it was how it arrived without permission that scarred her. Little Lilah sat in the bathroom in fear as she yelled for her mother in unison. She was beginning to understand that she was growing up fast but she knew she wasn’t ready.

Lilah shakily released her grip on the sink. The blood rushed back to her hands as she stared at them. Her teenage life began to stroke across her memory. Age thirteen, she peeled back the layers. On the first day at school, her mother stood watching at the gates. Lilah waved goodbye, hope smothered on her face. She convinced herself that she was ready, she wanted to have control. But she didn’t understand yet that the future was so much bigger than she could begin to imagine.

Defying the reality that she was no longer a little girl, Lilah thought about breaking the rules and promises she once made to herself, like not falling victim to bad habits like the adults in her life. Her innocence continued to strip away, beginning a downward spiral.

A smile began to play loosely on her lips as she hopelessly reimagined her first love

The promise to always chase her dreams loomed, even when stagnancy felt more inviting. The working world began to swallow her at age fifteen. Endless working and over-exertion overcame her, salty sweat trailing down her face. She was engulfed by the stale smell of processed food, seeping through the kitchen doors. Each stroke of the clock interrogated her to chase her true path of creativity.

Lilah finally looked up from her hands as she sighed deeply. “But that’s just life right,” she uttered through the exhale.

She walked over to the edge of the bath and she sat in awe. An atmosphere of warmth and love swamped the bathroom, her spiral seemed to hit a halt. A smile began to play loosely on Lilah’s lips, as she hopelessly reimagined her first love. Age seventeen, she would find that connection that felt like no other. Cloud nine is what they call it. They sat watching the ripples of the lake echo away as their hands intertwined. But her spiral that laid dormant was back to disrupt her cloaked balance. The woes of her past were beginning to filter in, her own engraved toxicity would be out for blood.

Lilah shot up from the edge of the bath uncomfortably, like her skin was struck with the electricity of a taser. As the warmth in the room scurried in fear, the echoes were laced with déja vu. She stood feeling seventeen again, in a void filled with uncertainty and fear, that very same feeling that she once used to push everyone away.

Her finger latched around the metal chain of her necklace as she began to self sooth. Pacing up and down, as she continued to filter through the story of her life in the privacy of her mind.

Adulthood was finally here. It shimmered like sunlight caught on shards of glass, fragile but dazzling. Something that felt ethereal was so bittersweet. It only reminded her of the innocence that she craved to live. The feeling of feeling like you have lived your nine lives before your time. Lilah forced regret out of her mind, finding comfort in unwarranted toxic energy and pattern. Succumbing to it, allowing it to stain a part of her identity, like bleach on a black shirt.

The next few years were lost to a world of drugs, alcohol and bed-rotting, it went in a haze. Her body screamed for rest and TLC, her mind interrupted with temptation, in a state of duality like Jekyll and Hyde. She was fighting her mind, between continuing to live in what felt like solitary confinement or breaking out of the never-ending loop.

She began to rebuild, looking for herself in new places

Her body was showing signs it was weak, with constant issues and discomfort. The pictures she had once hung on the wall from a time when she was pure, wept, as they watched the eye of the storm approach.

Her younger self had big dreams, but they were stranded in trauma coated clouds. Deep down, her subconscious was yearning for her attention, sending signs and synchronicities. Lilah often found herself wrapped up in wise conversations with people that she would meet randomly at the corner shop. Conversations that would tug on the cords of her mind. Conversations reminding her that her six year old self had questions that needed answers, that she had buried with hard work, materialism and unrequited love.

Age 21, things were slowly beginning to make sense to Lilah, turning the wheel was slowing the spiral. She was finally putting herself first. Underneath all of the trauma, she saw a glimpse of her innocence. Declining that invitation to go out for that drink with the bad influence of friends for the first time in years. Realisation began to set in as she understood it wasn’t too late.

She began to rebuild, looking for herself in new places. With each step, her old negligence and toxicities were shrivelling away. Month by month she was becoming a newer and happier version of herself. She was falling in love with the power of thinking and perspective.

Lilah came to a sudden halt, her necklace falling in sync. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Face to face with reality, she suddenly felt a substance fall weakly against her chest, filtering slowly through the fabric of her jumper. She smiled as she let the tears stream. She was finally forgiving the entirety of herself. She was proud of it all.

Now 22, she’s running a strict program protecting her peace, by setting boundaries that align with her happiness. Sometimes it’s by trusting her gut, or surrounding herself with the right people, or respecting her body. She was growing up the right way, embracing her youth. Refusing to let her past mistakes take control again.

The lobe of memory hummed in perfect harmony with all the echoes she had carried along the way. She was finally getting her answers for the girl she once was at the age of six.