Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
Darren V reveals how his heartbreak made him who he is today
We all live according to time.
Our very existence rests on the amount of time it takes to actually ‘live’. Like everything else with an expiry date, I learned that love had the biggest time limit of them all.
I’ll let you in on all the little secrets that, from my very own eyes, could possibly give you a happy relationship: anticipate the worst and what the agonising and slow pain of a breakup will be like.
I still chose that pain because I knew it was worth it.
Here’s what my first heartbreak was like.
Gruesome. Excruciating. Bitter sweet.
Everyone questioned me. Doubted me. They thought I couldn’t and wouldn’t ‘hold down’ any form of relationship for longer than a week.
Well, I proved them wrong when I met her.
It took a while to understand each other. It was mostly trial and error.
No one can really ‘show you the ropes’ when it comes to this. No one could really show me anyways. I wasn’t exposed to the ‘healthy relationship’ some people see in their parents. I couldn’t look up to anyone or ask questions when things went wrong.
An overwhelming feeling rushed into me. Like I was possessed. My thoughts and actions changed. Everything I did revolved around her just so I could make her happy. And I was ok with that. That’s how it was for pretty much the rest of the time I was with her.
I got questioned. Again. “Do you even like her?” “Is she even worth it?”
Here’s what my first heartbreak was like. Gruesome. Excruciating. Bitter sweet.
Some praised our relationship but behind their ‘smiles and ‘kind eyes’ I knew they envied me.
Yes, she was definitely worth it.
At the time, I considered myself the luckiest guy in the world. She was so much more than amazing. She was kind and smart , her smile was contagious and her very presence made any dull moment in my life good. She was stunning. From her head to her toes, she was flawless in my eyes. Effortlessly I’d tell her how much she really meant to me.
People said I was hooked on the idea of ‘being in love’ and that I never really loved her. But I just knew what it was regardless of what others said.
‘Actions speak louder than words’. You bet they do. I took that too literally.
I let my mind do that thing again where it acted on its own. I hoped it would think of something amazing to do for her as words weren’t enough. And it did!
I let my artsy side run wild. I painted her my feelings and the once blank canvas became colourful. From that day on big gestures became my thing. She was bewildered; no one had ever done anything like that before.
I felt like a better version of my self, one without all the negative feelings and thoughts. But little did I know that that this would soon expire.
Slowly, time was running out. No matter how long we’d spend together, it would never be enough. Five hours felt like minutes. We had so much fun. We’d be careless of time. That man-made concept was forgotten whenever we met.
I let my artsy side run wild. I painted her my feelings and the once blank canvas became colourful
We became ignorant to it, such a foolish thing to do when time was what kept us together. That, and our love. My love for her.
To put it simply, it was really modern Romeo and Juliette – minus the dying.
Knowing that our love was destined to end. That’s what hurt the most.
Do you know the amount of change I suddenly underwent? I became someone entirely new. For the better in my eyes and the worse in others’. No one really knew what I was feeling. I couldn’t speak to her about it. I couldn’t speak to my parents about it. So who could I talk to?
I look back at it now and think how blind I was. I could have spoken to her. She would have listened.
I worked on communication with her and empathy became the bridge we’d cross and meet whenever we’d argue. No relationship is perfect. Mine was far from it. But it was always worth it.
To me, love was an emotion and feeling, like a personal colour radiating from myself and the person that I was loving.
As time passed (and quickly) we made more memories. More dates. More endless calls and texts. The surprise gifts, unplanned day trips, random ‘bump in’s’ after school. It really was a true love story. I can honestly say I was happy.
The love monster called ‘Time’, was finally catching up to us. The parasitic thought began to grow heavier within my mind. She felt it too. I know she did. Arguments, disputes and mishaps started to occur. Sometimes I’d argue out of fear. Thinking that if I’d said ‘this’, she’d say ‘that’ and then we’d make up and be closer together.
To me, love was an emotion and feeling, like a personal colour radiating from myself and the person that I was loving
Time knew it was going to stop eventually, that’s why I was so afraid.
You do anything when you’re afraid. But there was no use being scared of an ending if I knew it would happen. Yet I still chose to carry on.
Our differences (which drove us crazy) also became a factor to our ending. I was too afraid, (despite knowing it would end eventually), that she would leave so I started to hesitate and change as a person.
I started growing without her. I began to understand what I liked doing without her there. She had done the same. When things went bad, they were horrible. But when they were good… it was amazing.
The ‘forever and ever’ type of love began to die down. Reality seeped through the cracks of my heart. I tried my hardest to hold on to whatever was left but it just didn’t feel right. Any sign of a chance for us to be together became my instant energy boost to continue trying.
Just like the Shakespeare tragedy, it came to an end. (Minus the dying). Time 1, me 0.
Everything has a time limit. Nothing lasts forever
I watched her slowly slip away knowing I had done everything I could to make her stay. It was torment. After that, I wasn’t in the right head space for a while.
I never saw her again. Never kept in contact or even tried to look for her.
All those times spent, became memories I’d cherish. She was my first love.
I learned so much. I was a teacher and a student. I experienced so much that I could never forget. The pain I felt was indescribable. But so was the love. It was a bitter sweet ending… an ending I wouldn’t change for the world.
The most important thing I learned was to value the times I spent with people.
Everything has a time limit and will eventually end. Nothing lasts forever.
Editorial support from Amanda Rusta