Ways of Seeing and Being: a day in my life

March 19, 2020

Created by Matty Reynolds with images from Pixabay

Matty Reynolds recounts her inner story and explores her emotions and how her decisions make her feel

The inside of my eyelids are crimson. I must have forgotten to close my blinds last night, and now the morning sun thinks it’s okay to force its sharp rays into my room. I decide I’m too tired to shut it out, and stare into the red for a little while longer.

Standing in front of a heap of clothes on my floor, I’m conflicted. Agitated, I fling trousers and hoodies across the room, struggling to decide what to wear. For comfort, or for show? For me or for them?

I suck in my stomach as I do up the flies on my jeans. Giving breakfast a miss today wouldn’t be so bad…? I decide on a coffee.

The cobalt sky lifts my spirits and makes my next decision for me. I hit shuffle on my ‘To Smile’ playlist, and with ambient tunes booming, I make my way to the bus stop.

The bus is its usual packed self, but I’ve got plenty of time so I get off a few stops early, and remind myself what fresh air tastes like.

The magical light pours through the leafy trees, it makes me feel warm and brighter as I cross the park. I decide that I will walk more often.

I struggle to decide what to wear. For comfort, or for show? For me or for them?

Lessons roll over each other, creating a cocktail of confusion in my head. I find it harder and harder to hear the drone of the teacher’s voice over the incessant rumbling of my stomach.

Tomorrow I will have such a big breakfast; my fear will be of exploding, not fading away.

Lunch rushes by and barely says hello, leaving me with a free period before my last lesson. I feel guilty for being so absent this morning, but my friends are going outside to lap up the sunshine. I decide to give myself a break and join them.

In final period my brain thanks me profusely for the rest I allowed it. As a sign of gratitude it hungrily absorbs the words rolling across the classroom.

After a long and hectic journey, I arrive home feeling overwhelmed. I imagine a sparse and colourless afternoon stretching out in front of me. I chuck my jeans on the floor, slip my tracks on and decide to go for a run.

Time passes much more quickly; my mind is alert, my body well exercised. Before I know it my stomach is shouting at me once again. I decide to pay attention to it and start to prepare dinner for my family and me.

As a sign of gratitude my brain hungrily absorbs the words rolling across the classroom”

I sit at the table listening to my dad and brother talk about me as if I wasn’t there. They talk about how I have no work ethic. They say my grades should be better. They compare me to my hardworking friends.

My mind travels back to the crimson that coloured my vision earlier, and I work very hard to keep my breathing even. I decide to clear the plates swiftly and walk away.

I manage to collect all the words and thoughts racing around my head. I pack them tightly into little boxes at the back of my mind. I open my book and lose myself for a while.

As I come back into the world, my clock reads 21:13 – still early.

I could catch up with my favourite show, talk to friends about it tomorrow. I could…? But the weight of my eyelids lets me know how tired I am. I stretch my arms over my head and slap my cheeks. It’ll only take half an hour to watch.

I yawn and bend down to pick up my top and jeans. I decide to hang them on the back of the door and shut my blinds tightly. My eyelids are so heavy.

I have little choice, I flop on my bed and snuggle down, sleep comes easily.

Best decision I’ve made all day.

Matty is 17 years old, currently studying English, Politics and Biology A levels at Woodhouse college. She loves reading and writing and broadening her knowledge as much as she can through conversation.

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